"The Hyena and the Alchemist", a contemporary allegory

Erica Böhr

The Hyena and the Alchemist

A contemporary allegory

Degree Show Performance and Installation, 2011

CAST

(With thanks to Kate, Georgie, Jo, Ajay, Mandy, Vanessa, for three separate performances)

HYENA 1: Matriarch of the clan

HYENA 2: Matriarch’s sister

HYENA 3: Matriarch’s heavily pregnant sister

NARRATOR

ALCHEMIST: Umthakathi Mkhulu (the Great Wizard)

SANGOMA: The female diviner

VOICES 1, 2 and 3

IMPISI MHKULU: the Great Hyena Ur-ancestor, played by Hyena 1

The Hyena and the Alchemist will be performed for the first time at the Degree Show Private View at 7.30pm, on Thursday 2nd June 2011.

(English translation)

NARRATOR:   As the sun rises on the African Bushveld, north of the Tropic of Capricorn, we head to the apex where South Africa, Zimbabwe and Mozambique meet at Crook’s Corner.  It is mid-summer and the temperature will soon rise to 39 degrees...

HYENA 1(interrupting):   Are you sure they need to know all of this?  This is supposed to be MY story, my moment of glory?

NARRATOR: OH MY GOD! I knew this would happen!  You ask me to collaborate, then you start your narcissistic shit again.  It’s always got to be about you, hasn’t it? Anyway, you’re coming into it soon.  So, where was I?  Ah, yes, it’s really, properly sweating-buckets-hot already, the air is crackling with the sound of cicadas and we have come upon three hyenas scavenging at a zebra kill...

HYENA 1 (interrupting again, angrily): SCAVENGING? SCAVENGING? Let me guess. You’re thinking the lions did it? Well, my friend, let me tell you something, We did it!  We hunted down and killed this fucking zebra ourselves!  I am so pissed off with this scavenging myth!  Hyenas actually hunt more than lions, but we get all the bad press.  

VOICE 1 (hissing):  Scavengers!

VOICE 2 (hissing):  Witches!

VOICE 3 (hissing):  Soul Stealers!

VOICE 1 (hissing):  Sorcerers!

VOICE 2 (hissing):  Creatures of the night!

VOICE 3 (hissing):  Always laughing...

VOICE 1 (hissing):  Cackling, Mad, Sneering

VOICE 2 (hissing):  Shape Shifters!

VOICE 3 (scathingly):  Generally loathsome.

HYENA 3 (timidly, turning to Hyena 1):  Erm, sorry to butt in, Sister, but they left out sly, untrustworthy and really stinky?

NARRATOR: Woah, hold on a second!  What’s with the “sister”? You’ve all got schlongs as big as small pigs!!

HYENAS 1,2,3 (smugly high-fiving each other gleefully and gesturally): WOOOOOP! WOOOOOP!

HYENA 1 (smirking):  So you’ve assumed that my schlong is a penis? Lol, it’s SO not! (Patronisingly) Common mistake!

NARRATOR: That is so gross.

AUDIENCE: Eeeeeoooooo.  That’s DISGUSTING!

HYENA 3 (heavily pregnant): Yeah, not every species comes in Barbie and Ken you know.

HYENA 1: Ha, Ken - that’s a joke!  Male hyenas are useless: sniveling, servile little runts.  All they’re good for is a packet of sperm.

HYENA 2: And we’re much more versatile than Barbie.  A foot-long clitoris that rolls up into a vaginal sheath when we need it - best of both worlds.

AUDIENCE (shouting): TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

NARRATOR (shaking head): But pretty much all other species evolved into Barbie and Ken.  What happened to you lot?

VOICE 1 (hissing): Diesel Dykes!

VOICE 3 (sings phrase of aria from Handel’s Messiah): She was despised, rejected.

VOICE 2 (hissing): Witches!

VOICE 3 (sings phrase of aria from Handel’s Messiah): She was rejected, despised.

HYENA 1: Well, it’s a bit of a ‘Once upon a time’ really.  Okay, think Lorena Bobbitt...(winks at audience).  I’ll try and make it quick.

Okay, so picture the scene: once upon a time, a long, long time ago, our female ur-ancestor, Impisi Mkhulukhulu, the Great Hyena, is monumentally hacked off and she has had enough.  The male lions get all the glory on the savannah and, like the lions, the male hyenas wear the trousers and do stuff all.

HYENA 2: So Impisi Mkhulukhulu decides to consult the Sangoma, the wise woman.

HYENA 1: She arrives at the sangoma’s hut and says: Ehê, Mama. Sanbonani.

SANGOMA: I see you, Impisi Mkhulukhulu, and your ancestors.  How can I help you?

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU: My sisters and I need more power, Wise One.  We are oppressed. We are angry. We want to be free from the tyranny of the males.

SANGOMA (sorrowfully):  Hau,I’m sorry, Sisi, but my muti is not powerful enough magic for that.  You must travel far over the Limbombo mountains to see the Alchemist Umthakati, who is the Great Wizard.

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU (thanking the sangoma): Ngiyabonga, Mama.  I am grateful.

SANGOMA: But I must warn you. Beware, Sister, the Alchemist has very powerful magic and he is unpredictable.  Go well, Hambani Gahle.

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU: Stay well, Salani Gahle, Mama.

HYENA 3: And so Impisi Mkhulukhulu travels alone for many days to reach the Alchemist’s cave.

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU (respectfully): Knock knock! Sanbonani, Baba Umthakati.

ALCHEMIST (suspiciously): Haibo, Impisi? 

What is a filthy hyena doing here, polluting my cave? What do you want?

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU: The Sangoma sent me to see you, Baba.  I need some muti.  My sisters and I want more power, like our lion and hyena brothers.  We need you to help us, please.

ALCHEMIST (shaking his head angrily): But you are females! You will always be the weakest.  The males will rule the females, that is the way of life.  Begone, you carrion eater!  SUGA! (Fuck off!) My muti is only for males (turns to go back into his cave).

HYENA 2:  See what I mean? She’s about to get shafted by this guy too.  But... she is wise and cunning and determined.

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU (feigning obedience): Yehbo, Baba, I will go. (Muttering) But first I will summons the wisdom of all my female ancestors and I will try my own magic. Ngiya lumba imilingo yami!

(I am making my magic, the art of illusion!) 

HYENA 2:  And the Alchemist, hearing her voice,comes out of his cave, frowning.

(The Great Hyena begins to cast her spell on the Alchemist.)

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU:  Wena Isiphukuphuku! Ngiya impisi wa Unkhulunkhulu!  Ngi yaas wena esaba mina.  Ngithusa wena mange.

(You are a fool! I am the Creator’s Hyena. I know you fear me now, I am scaring you.) 

Ngiya funa thata amandla wakho.

(I want to seize your power.)

ALCHEMIST (trembling): What is this? What is happening? I feel weak...

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU:Ngiya funa thata impilo wakho. 

(I want to take your life)

ALCHEMIST (cowering and shaking his head): My life? No!

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU (casting spell): Manje, niga mina umthondo wakho! Yebo, Baba, umthondo wako!

(Now, give me your penis! Yes, Father, give me your penis!)

(She hands him the carving knife.)  

Shesha! Shesha!

SIGA! SI-GA! SI-GA! SI-GA! SI-GAAAAAA!

(Hurry! Hurry!

CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT!)

HYENA 3 (giggling): So, wait for it, the Alchemist, who is now entranced, takes the knife and severs his own penis.

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU:Eheeeeeeeee! Wena opa kaningi ne wena hlupheka gakhulu.

(Yes! You are bleeding heavily and suffering a great deal.)

(She holds up his severed member triumphantly)

Ngikhona umgomelo shisa!  Baba, Indoda endala, wena dade, wena DA-DE!  Salani gahle.  

(I have the prize here, hot with your life’s blood!  Father, Old Man, you are dying, you are dying!  Goodbye.)

HYENA 2: And so the Great Hyena leaves the Alchemist bleeding to death in his cave and returns to her clan with her trophy.  

IMPISI MKHULUKHULU: Ngiya khona amandla wa Umthakati mange, ne ngiya Isimpisi Umbusi! 

(I now have the Great Wizard’s power and potency.  I am the chief of all hyenas.  I give my sisters power too.) 

Amandla Isimpisi! 

(Power to the hyenas!)

Hyenas 1, 2, 3: Power to the Sisters!

HYENA 1: And that, my friends, is how we gals got so well hung.

VOICE 1: Matriarchs!

VOICE 2: Hunters!

VOICE 3: Warriors!

NARRATOR (shaking hir head):  Aish! What a tale.  Well, as unpalatable as it may be, the hyena’s story is now told, and as the sun sets, we return home wiser, leaving them in the darkness, eyes glinting yellow in the moonlight, in search of their prey.

© Erica Böhr, 2011